3 Mar 2015

Breaking Point

Breaking Point

Author: Julie Brusio  /  Categories: Parenting , Julie's Blogs  /  Rate this article:

I hate it. It rocks me to the core and makes my hair stand on end. Over and over, with no end in sight, she keeps repeating the same phrase. No matter what I try, I can’t soothe her. She just keeps saying it again and again and again. Make it stop. She has to stop. “JUST STOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPP IIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTT!”

The scream came out of the blue, shocking me as much as it shocked everyone else. I couldn’t help myself. Debbie’s perseveration was never-ending. “No school on Monday!” “No school on Monday!” “No. School. On. Monday!” And then the hiccupping crying, followed by hugs and “I’m sorry, Mommy” and “I don’t like sighing.”

Then came the guilt. The guilt of having screamed at Debbie for something she could not help because she often has trouble expressing what she wants to say. The guilt of not being able to remain calm despite knowing she feels lousy due to a bad cold and cough. Tonight, I was guilty of not having enough patience to deal with perseveration and autism.

No excuses. Just guilt and remorse and sadness and tears. Then the calm. Vince came downstairs to act as a barrier to keep us apart, but Debbie wouldn’t let him. She came to me. She hugged me. She told me she loved me. I hugged her. I told her I loved her. Vince remained, leery that the storm might once again rear its ugly head. I gave her tea, Trazodone, and Tylenol. She took deep breaths. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. She finally communicated. Her head hurt. Her throat hurt. She sniffled and wiped her nose on a napkin. She drank her tea and we went upstairs.

“Do you want me to lie down with you and rub your back, Deb?”

“Yes. Lie down for a little bit.”

I lay down next to her and rubbed her back. I apologized for yelling. She forgave me.

“Do you want me stay or get up?”


I rubbed my baby’s back some more.

“Okay, Deb?”

“Get up.”

I got up, covered her, and left her room, guilt and remorse still permeating my thoughts. Later she came into our bedroom and plopped down on our bed.

“Halloween’s October. Thanksgiving’s November. Festival of Trees’ December.” Another perseveration.

“Yes, Debbie. Let’s go back to bed.”

“School’s on Monday. School’s on Tuesday. School’s on Wednesday. School’s on Thursday. School’s on Friday.”

Yet another perseveration. Sigh.

“Yes, Debbie. You’re right. School is next week.”

“Mommy, what are you making for dinner on Monday?” Another part of our daily autism routine.

“What do you want me to make, Debbie?”

“No meatloaf.”

“Do you want me to make meatloaf on Monday, Debbie?”

“Yes. Meatloaf on Monday!”

“Okay. I’ll make meatloaf. Let’s go back to bed.”

We plodded back to her room, and I covered her again.

“Don’t cover your head, Deb. You’ll be too hot.”

I leaned over to give her a kiss.

“I love you, Mommy,” she said as she kissed me.

“I love you too, Deb,” I said with a tired sigh.

The storm has passed for now. Perseveration was my breaking point tonight. Guilt and remorse are still there even though she forgave me so easily. Tomorrow I will try harder. Tomorrow I will be more patient. Tomorrow I will not let autism wear on me. Tomorrow I will not let it beat me. Tomorrow I will connect with someone who gets “it.”

xoxoxox ~ Julie


Number of views (3085)      Comments (1)

Julie Brusio

Julie Brusio Julie Brusio

“Autism is full of ups and downs and because of it I have more patience than I used to and can appreciate the "little" things in life.”

Other posts by Julie Brusio
Contact author Full biography

1 comments on article "Breaking Point"


5/2/2017 1:47 PM

Judy Laney

I have been suffering from (HERPES SIMPLEX) disease for the past four years and had constant pain that really drove me crazy,especially in my knees. During the first year,I had faith in God that i would be healed someday.This disease started circulating all over my body and i have been taking treatment from my Doctor, few weeks ago i came on search on the internet if i could get any information concerning the prevention of this disease, on my search i saw a testimony of someone who has been healed from (Hepatitis B and STAGE3 cancer) by this Man Rick Simpson, and she also gave the email address of this man and advise we should contact him for any sickness that he would be of help, so i wrote to Rick Simpson, telling him about my (HERPES Virus) he told me not to worry that i was going to be cured!! hmm i never believed it..well after all the procedures and remedy given to me by this man few weeks later i started experiencing changes all over me as the Dr assured me that i have been cured,after some time i went to my doctor to confirm if i have been finally healed, behold it was TRUE, So friends my advise is if you have such sickness or any other at all you can Email:{rickoil@rediffmail.com}

Leave a comment

Add comment

AAPC Publishing's
Educational Resources

Be the first to receive the latest autism educational resources, events and exclusive discounts!
Subscribe Now


About Us

AAPC Textbooks

     -Textbook Catalog


AAPC Publishing
6448 Vista Drive
Shawnee, KS 66218
(913) 897-1004 (tel)
(913) 871-7787 (fax)

Planar Client Options
Layout Style
  • Wide
  • Boxed
Theme Preview